The Practical Joke

Written By: D’be-D’be


The drovers were getting tired. The Trail Boss, Luke Morgan, was trying to make up the time they lost when the river flooded so he was pushing the herd as well as the men much too hard. Most of the time the men had to eat in their saddles and get by with only four or five hours sleep. They’d complaint but who would they complaint too? Morgan? They couldn’t do that because the harder he pushed the drive the harder he pushed himself. The men knew there were times, he didn’t even take time to eat. Instead, he’d replace one of them so they could grab a bit of nourishment. How could they complain when their boss was working twice as hard as they were? To make matters worse they were four drovers short. A group of men had quit a spell back, which left four gaps in the drive that had to be filled. Morgan came to the conclusion that the men couldn’t go on like this so he sent his Ramrod into the next town to hire on some extra hands.

“Don’t be too particular,” Morgan told Pete. “Just as long as they can sit on a horse and handle a rope, that’s all that matters. Tell them the starting wages are seventy-five cents a day and all they can eat. If they prove out, their wages will go up to a dollar.”

Pete returned four hours later with six men in tow. He introduced them to the Trail Boss who, after looking them up and down, began to ask a few questions. Satisfied with the answers, he told them his rules for the drive and their assignments. Hearing no objections, he ordered them to work.

Colt was pleased to see the new men joining the drive. Luke was really starting to show the stress, but now that fresh drovers had arrived Colt hoped Luke could start to relax.

One of the new drivers rode up and stuck his hand out. “Hi, kid! My name’s Rex. What’s your handle?”

“I’m Colt. Pleased to meet ya, Rex.”

“Back at ya, kiddo. Say, what kind of man is Morgan to work for?”

“He’s a pusher and he demands hard work and respect, but he’s also open to suggestion and not afraid to listen to advice offered about the drive. He won’t ask a man to do something unless he’s willing to do it himself and once he’s made up his mind about somethin’, there’s no changing it”

“A man can’t ask for anymore than that from the man in charge, can he?”

“Guess not. You work a lot of drives, Rex?”

“Ya, a few but this is my first time on the Abilene trail. I’ve been on the Ogallala trail out of Nebraska and the Dakota trail in the Dakota Territory. Fought me some Indians and run off a lot of rustlers, so I’m pretty much up for anything”

“Gee, sounds like you’ve had an exciting life.”

“No complaints! I’ll tell you one thing, kid, if the women are half as pretty at the end of this trail as they were on the others, woo wee, you and I are going to have us one great time.”

Colt just blushed and nodded which caused Rex to ask, “Hey, kid, you’re no virgin, are ya?”

“Hell no! I just don’t like to brag about my conquests.”

“I hear ya, kid. Say no more.” Colt was happy with Rex changing the subject when he asked, “Hey, what’s the chow like around here? Is the cook any good?”

Colt chuckled a little before he answered. “Well, he ain’t the best I’ve tasted but he ain’t the worst either. At the end of the day after a long ride in the saddle, anything tastes good though.”

“Ya, I guess you’re right. Well I better get back to work cause I don’t want the Trail Boss to get the wrong impression about me in my first hour workin’.”

As Rex rode away, Colt had a feeling he had just made a new friend. He wished he could say the same about another one of
the other men Luke hired.

From the first second Colt and he met back at the camp, it was instant dislike. This man who called himself Lloyd, was a real blowhard and he thought Colt was just a green kid who knew nothin’ about nothin’. As a matter of fact, he didn’t treat any of the other drovers much better. A few times he was even dang right rude to Luke, which didn’t sit right in Colt’s book at all.

One night the men were sitting around the campfire and an old timer by the name of Grizzly was telling a story about the time he came across Sitting Bull. He was in the middle of his tale, when Lloyd spoke up and practically accused the old man of lying. Well, Grizzly didn’t take particular kindness to anyone who called him a liar, so he called Lloyd out. If Luke hadn’t of stepped in, there would have been gunplay and Colt wasn’t sure which one would have ended boots up when the smoke cleared the gun barrels.

Next morning, Rex made his way over to where Colt was sitting and sat down. Talking in between taking bits off a strip of beef jerky, Rex made a suggestion to Colt. “Ya know, kid, someone should teach that blowhard a lesson. Sorta drop him down a peg or two.”

“That sounds great. What do you have in mind?”

“Do you have access to the chuck wagon?”

“I can if necessary. Why?”

“Every cook usually has a stash of brownies or cakes already baked and ready to serve for special occasions. Doesn’t Flapjack have something like that?”

“Ya, he has a bunch of brownies all wrapped up and ready to go.”

“Great! I want you to steal one and we’ll slip in a special ingredient just for Mr. Big-mouth.”

“What special ingredient?” Colt asked excitedly.

“Cow dung!” Rex stated with a smirk on his face.

“Oh my God, Rex. That’s brilliant! Okay, I’ll go get the brownie while you go get the secret ingredient.”

Rex and Colt waited until Luke was out of the camp before they approached Lloyd. They wanted the Trail Boss to be as far away as possible when they pulled their little practical joke.

They found Lloyd by the armada getting ready to saddle his horse. “Hey, Lloyd!” Rex shouted. “You left camp before Flapjack handed out a special treat.”

“Why he do that fer?” Lloyd was a little skeptical about the cook handing out treats.

“He told us that it may be a long time between breakfast and lunch so he wanted us to have a little shot of energy to start the day,” Colt offered a plausible explanation to the man’s inquiry.

“Mmmm! Okay, give me the treat.”

Rex handed over the brownie but was disappointed when Lloyd put it in his saddlebag instead of his mouth. “Ain’t you goin’ to eat it right away?” Rex asked.

“Nah, I’ll wait an hour or so. That oatmeal is still clinging to my ribs like cement.”

Rex and Colt looked at each other. The last thing they wanted to happen was for Lloyd to be seen by the Trail Boss eating that brownie, but they didn’t want to sound to anxious for him to eat it right away because that might make Lloyd suspicious.

“Gee, Lloyd,” Colt spoke up. “If you don’t eat it now, the sun may make it all soft and yucky.”

“I’ll take my changes. Now get out of my way! You’ve already made me late and I don’t want that tin-god of a Trail Boss yelling at me this early in the morning.”

Colt felt his blood boil at that insult to Luke but took a couple of deep breaths. “Fine! Suit yourself!”

Rex was about to try it again but Colt took him by the arm and led him away. “Drop it Rex,” he whispered. “If we insist, he might get spiteful and not eat it at all. It will be all right. He’s on drag this morning so Mr. Morgan won’t see him. Let’s go get our own horses saddled up before we’re late.”

Colt and Rex did their best to keep an eye on Lloyd so they would witness that magic moment when he would put that brownie in his mouth. In fact, they were so busy keeping an eye on Lloyd they forgot to keep an eye out for the Trail Boss.

It was around ten in the morning when Rex and Colt joined up to make their way over to Lloyd. It was perfect timing. They were just about to the drag point when they witnessed Lloyd reach into his saddlebag and take out the brownie. They held their breaths when he placed it under his nose and took a whiff of the chocolate treat, but exhaled in relief when they saw him shrug his shoulders and pop the sweet treat whole in his mouth. It didn’t take long for the full taste to hit the overbearing man’s taste buds. He jumped off his horse and fell to his knees in a spell of spitting and gagging.

“Fuck! Fuck! What in the hell was in these fucking brownies?” was all Rex and Colt heard before they too jumped off their horses in fit of laughter. They were rolling on the ground and holding their stomachs while pointing at Lloyd when a shadow came across their faces. Colt stopped laughing the instant he looked up and saw the dark eyes of Luke staring down at him and his partner in crime.

“What’s so dang funny? Do you know while you two boys were having a laughing fit, the cattle you were suppose to be in charge of began making their way down the gully?”

Rex was still laughing so hard he couldn’t answer Luke, which left Colt holding the bag. He was trying to think up a story when the sound of Lloyd’s screaming and cursing reverted Luke’s attention away from them and unto the man kneeling on the ground still gagging and trying to scrub some brown substance off his tongue.

“What’s wrong with you? Are you sick?” Luke innocently asked.

Lloyd tried to control the gagging so he could answer the Boss. “Those-those two little bastards gave me a brownie laced with something that is god-awful. It tastes like shit!”

Despite it giving Luke more cause to be angry, that last bit of information to come out of Lloyd’s mouth, set Rex and Colt on another laughing jag. Ignoring the two laughing fools for a moment, Luke ordered Lloyd back to camp so Flapjack could take care of him.

“I don’t know if I can make it on my own, Mr. Morgan. I feel weak and sick to my stomach.”

“Alright, you just lay there while I go deal with the two hyenas over there.”

Luke dismounted and in three quick strides he was once more towering over Rex and Colt. He reached down and non-to-gently grabbed Colt and Rex by their arms and pulled them to their feet. “You have exactly ten seconds to tell me what you two did to that man!”

The angry sound of Luke’s voice made the two young men stop laughing immediately. They looked at each other then down on the ground. Neither one wanted to be the one to tell Luke what they did. But Colt, knowing the consequences if he didn’t, decided he better answer.

“Well, we didn’t like the way he was speaking to Grizzly and how he was acting around camp so we decided to bring him down a peg or two.” Colt stopped, hoping Rex would jump in and continue the story but hearing only silence he continued, “so we decided to steal a brownie out of the chuck wagon and lace it with cow dung.”

“YOU WHAT?” Luke bellowed. “Do you know you could have poisoned the man with that stuff?”

“Oh, Luke. Give us some credit. We didn’t put that much in there. Just enough so he would get a taste.”

“Oh, he got that alright. Fine! We’ll discuss this later. Right now I want you two practical jokers to get back to work and you better pray for all that man to have is a bad case of indigestion. NOW GET!”

The young men didn’t have to be told twice. They jumped in their saddles and drove off at a gallop. When Luke was sure they were out of earshot, he began to roar with laughter. He didn’t like Lloyd either and many a time he wished he could do something to put him in his place, but in his wildest imagination he never though of cow dung in a brownie. That was brilliant. Still he couldn’t let the young men get away with it. After all, what they did could have had serious repercussions. He’d have to ponder spell on what would be the appropriate punishment for them.

Rex and Colt managed to stay out of Luke’s way for the rest of the day but they knew they couldn’t avoid him any longer when they drove into night camp. They went directly to the chuck wagon to inquire how Lloyd was. Jacob told them that Flapjack had given him something to throw up, then put him in the supply wagon until he felt better.

The two young men were pleased with that little bit of new. At least not too much damage was done. They made their way to the food line, but Luke blocked the way. “If you two boys will please follow me, I have something special for you to drink before your evening meal.”

“Drink? What do you mean by drink, Boss?”

“Well, all day I thought about what I should do to you both to let you know what you did was wrong. After seeking out some advice, I had Flapjack put together a little liquid appetizer for you. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.”

Luke then proceeded to reach into his back pocket and pull out a bottle filled with a thick yellow liquid. Flapjack came around the wagon and handed the two young men each a glass. Luke pulled the stopper off the bottle and made a face as the scent of the mixed herbs filled his nostrils. The liquid was a mixture of dandelion, cayenne pepper, garlic and lemon grass. It wouldn’t hurt them as the most it may do, is give them cramps or a little nausea. Other than that it was harmless, it just tasted god-awful. He filled the glasses about a quarter full and ordered the boys to drink it down. If they refused, Flapjack would hold them down and Luke would pour it down their throats.

Rex and Colt looked at each other, clinked their glasses together, put them to their lips and drank the vile smelling concoction down in one swallow. Luke didn’t have to wait too long for the reaction he was looking for. The taste of the mixture wrapped around their taste buds about three seconds after they swallowed it. They began to gag and both made the worse looking faces Luke had ever seen.

“Oh God! Oh God! That stuff is awful!” Tears began to form in the young men’s eyes as the full taste took affect.

“Good! I’m glad!” Luke chuckled. “Now you realize what Lloyd went through this morning. Go wash the taste away with some water. Then I want you both to write an apology note to Lloyd. After you show it to me, you can have something to eat.”

Later that night, Luke awoke with a sense that something was amiss. He sat up in his bedroll and looked around the camp. His eyes finally fell on an empty bedroll and he realized it was Colt’s. As quietly as he could so as not to wake the rest of the camp, he set out to find the young man. He found him a little ways out, just pulling his pants up. “Hey, Cowboy, what’s wrong? You sick?”

“Ya, you could say that. That dang stuff you forced me to drink, gave me cramps.” Tears were flowing down his face and he wiped the snot from his nose on his shirtsleeve.

“Oh, baby. I’m sorry. Let’s go find Flapjack. He’ll give you something that will ease your discomfort.”

“No! I don’t want to drink anything else he offers me!” Colt began to cry and clutch his stomach as another wave of cramps hit him. “Go away and leave me alone! This is all your fault!” Colt screamed out to Luke as he ran behind a tree and for the fourth time dropped his pants.

Luke went back to camp only to return five minutes later with a cup in his hand. He waited for Colt to come out from behind the tree. A few minutes passed before Colt came back around, crying more than ever. He hesitated as he saw Luke standing there with his cup-filled hand reaching out. He slowly made his way to his Top and took the cup. He took a sniff of the liquid and found that it had a sweet scent to it. He put the cup to his lips and hesitantly took a small sip. It tasted kind of good, so he tilted his head back to allow the rest of the liquid to slide down his throat. He dropped the cup to the ground and made his way into Luke’s outstretched arms.

Feeling the warm arms of his Top wrapped securely around his waist, Colt began to cry in earnest. Luke rubbed small comforting circles on Colt’s back until the tears slowed down to a hiccup. “Still mad at me, Cowboy?” Luke asked.

“No, I guess not. I deserved to be punished for the part I played in the joke, but why didn’t you spank me instead of making me drink that awful stuff?”

“Spanking is just for when you break a rule, Cowboy. No rules were broken this time, but you still had to be punished for the foolish thing you did. Do you understand?”

“Yeah, I do. But don’t you think that big-mouth deserved what he got?”

Trying not to laugh, Luke replied, “That’s not the point, Colt. You should have left me to deal with his obnoxious behavior. It wasn’t up to you, or Rex for that matter, to deal with Lloyd.”

“Okay. Luke, can we go back to camp now? I’d like to get some sleep.”

“Feel better, Cowboy?”

“Yeah! The cramps are gone, but I feel kinda weak. I just want to go lay down.”

“Okay, let’s go. If you don’t feel better by morning, you can sleep in the supply wagon for a while.”

“Thanks, Luke.” Colt lifted his head and gave Luke a kiss on the neck, then on the lips. The kiss was returned with a deep passion.

Luke stayed close to Colt as they walked back to camp just in case he was needed. Colt managed to get back on his own steam. He slipped into his bedroll and within a matter of seconds, was sound asleep. He awoke in the morning feeling fine. The cramps and the weakness were gone. He jumped out of bed, rolled up his bedroll and threw it in the supply wagon. He spotted Rex in the food line and slid in behind him. “Hey, Rex. Did that stuff make you sick?”

“No! It made me sleep like a baby. What about you?”

“It gave me the runs, but Luke gave me some sort of medicine and I feel fine now.”

“Hey, that’s too bad. I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay! It was worth it to see old bigmouth eat that brownie. Speaking of which, where is the old wind bag?” Colt asked.

“He sassed Mr. Morgan again this morning and that was the final straw. The Boss fired him. He’s gone!”

“Oh, that’s too bad. If I knew he was leaving, I would have given him a few more brownies for the trip.”

The two young men began to laugh at that remark as they took their plates of food from Flapjack. They jumped at the sound of a deep warning voice behind them. “I hope your brownie-making days are behind you, boys. Because if they’re not, Flapjack still has some of that special appetizer in the wagon.”

“Oh, don’t worry, Boss. We’ll never touch another brownie again. Now if you’ll excuse Colt and I, we’ll just eat this here delicious meal real quick and get to herding those lovely steers out there.” Rex took a hold of Colt’s arm and led him to a bench by the supply wagon.

Luke and Flapjack made eye contact and almost in unison, burst out laughing. Luke took his plate and made his way to a quiet spot. The men saw him shaking his head and mumbling to himself, “Cow dung in brownies. Who would of that about that but two Brats!”

The End